The title of this blog may seem a little bit odd. I haven't written in a long time. I have sat in front of my computer screen many times over the past several months and stared at the screen wanting to convey my thoughts, but in the end have closed it down and felt that maybe it would be better to wait for another day. Last night we had our Christmas party for my small group through church and I confessed that I hadn't written in so long- mostly because I didn't want anyone else to see my thoughts or my heart at the moment.
During our get together, my beautiful friend Laura led us in reflection over the last year and what God has taught each of us. I'll be honest...my first reaction was dread and the desire to burst into tears. The last year has really been full of a lot of ups and downs that have all intertwined together to form a whirlwind of emotions within me. I spent the first half of the year trusting God's plan for my life. I had felt God speak to me many times that his promises were true and to trust Him. That was a joyful time. Fast forward to the end of 2010 where I have just felt abandoned by Him and in turn have felt angry. I often wonder if God is mad at me, since I'm calling for him, but he's not coming around. My good friend Jenny told me that she starts her day off by asking God, "Do I trust you?" and answering that question for herself every day. Will I trust God with my life this very day? Even this has fueled my resentment towards Him....I'm trying to trust, but where is He in these moments?
So what has God taught me this year and what can I praise Him for? Although we wrote out lists of praises and answered prayers last night, I've kept thinking about what God could possibly be teaching me or showing me through pain, love, and silence. This is what I've come up with.
1. I AM THANKFUL THAT I AM MISERABLE WHEN GOD IS ABSENT. I was a little bit curious about examples of God's silence and absence in scripture and how I might find some type of comfort or reasoning behind it. I actually found someone else's blog entry discussing two examples of silence in scripture. Psalm 22 begins with the words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? You are far from my plea and the cry of my distress. O my God, I call by day and you give me no reply; I call by night and I find my peace." I can relate to this. The writer then reminds us to finish the Psalm. It concludes with praise and adoration and a reflection on God's faithfullness throughout the ages. Her blog concludes with these words: "We are now, as always, at the foot of the cross. The cry of the psalmist and of Jesus is now our cry, and the silence of God may lead us to despair. So, hear the words of Psalm 22, and heed the witness of the church. Embrace our silent God with faith, hope, and love." I thought about this for a little bit, and it kind of just hit me. There have been times in my life when I never noticed God's absence. I believed, but it had not resulted in any type of change in my heart. But there has been, and I can see and feel what life without Him is like. It's awful. Maybe this is what God is showing me in this time? I can praise Jesus because I know without a doubt that I don't want to be without him.
2.I AM THANKFUL THAT I UNDERSTAND LOVE. This is a tricky one and maybe I will regret writing it out. After all, loves grows over time and I'm sure my understanding will be different in twenty years than it is right now. On top of that, there are different types of love and ones I haven't experienced. But recently I had someone tell me that they can't love, don't know how to love, are choosing not to love. That type of thing. I am thankful today that this reasoning or mindset is something that I can not understand or fathom. It's easy being a female and watching a multitude of romantic comedies to have visions of fairytale love in your head. I'm not saying that there aren't many days that I think in this manner, but I am thankful I know what true love is: a reflection of Christ's love for us. I know that this is a long passage, but it is one of my favorites. A reminder of what love truly is and that it is a necessity in life. If you truly know and accept Christ's love, you can't help but love others. I may not always be the best reflection of this, but I am thankful that right now I know what it is.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails." - 1st Corinthians 13: 1-8
3. GOD HAS SHOWN ME THAT THE TIME IS NOW. One lesson I have learned over the year is that there really is no time like the present. My friend from work, Amber, recently committed suicide. While I was not extremely close to her outside of work, I saw and talked to her several times a week. She always had a smile and an encouraging word for me. I have struggled since her death with the fact that I have no idea what type of hope she had. I knew her for a year and a half, and have no idea if she had the same hope that I have had on dark days. Questioning the authenticity of the relationships that are constantly being built in my life is an area that I am still working on....struggling with. I don't really have any type of answer to this. I guess I am just thankful that God is showing me how fleeting this life is and the time we have on earth is precious.
4. FRIENDSHIPS AND FAMILY. I am thankful for the friends and family in my life, who stand by me regardless of all of my faults. And there are many. For forgiving me when I have wronged or hurt them. For loving me when I have not shown them love. For picking me up when I can't get off the ground. For giving me joy and laughter. For being a reflection of God's love for me.
